Last summer I was working the desk and there walked past me a beautiful specimen of the female homo sapien persuasion. The Later identified as Maria, the subject herein, activated a part of myself that laid dormant for quite sometime .
I. Was. Hooked – line & sinker. Her curly brown hair, kind eyes, gentle demeanor, it was enough. For the next several months I would swing for the bleachers.
It was the 4th time asking her out when, she finally caved and accepted the “not-so-subtle” invitation. I was thrilled! And of course, my fear got the best of me so I ended up canceling. But, she was kind enough to give me a second chance, which is only a testimony to her loving nature.
Fast forward two and a half months. After many authentic conversations, beautiful love, a few small disagreements, meeting of the families, and talks of marriage, we stood strong. By all standards and perceptions of those external in our lives we were “perfect.”
All the while there was a stirring within me. Something simultaneously growing and flourishing and becoming within. It’s what inspired me to get off my ass and ask her out, and continue to ask her out long after she refused to return any affirmation. It’s what sparked me to start reading again and to write and be like, vulnerable. REAL. Travis.
No one at work knows I was married…and divorced. I don’t even remember the last time I was really mindful about why I chose the career I did, why I haven’t had a successful romantic relationship, or where my many insecurities actually came from. It was like, I was asleep. And each day I buried myself a little more into complacency.
This work within me has been a long time coming. I began to feel it last year but knew my subconscious had some work to do before any tangible effect would be consciously perceived.
It was Maria’s incredible gift of nurturing that sparked the confidence I needed to step off the high dive. It was proving to myself that someone as incredible as her could love me. The last thing my ex wife said.
“You’re going to be alone forever.” – Lauren
I don’t believe it anymore. I should have never in the first place, but hell, the most hurtful things said to us tend to be things we already believe about ourselves.
And Maria…the more I began to be a more wholistic “me” the less we became a compatible “we.” This journey of self discovery, once accepted, left no room for romance. The only relationship I am to have is that with myself.